I'm still busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

I notice that I’m losing a lot of hair strands lately. I don’t know why. But it’s starting to scare me. I mean it’s not so obvious at a glance. Although, my hair is now shorter. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I am practically losing 30-50 strands of hair a day! It’s not like I’m doing a hair count but that is based on my estimate. I need help on this. I don’t want to end up bald in school. Hehe

I haven’t blog since ever since. I mean for a long time. So I decided to blog about something that’s been bugging me for the past moments of my life.

Ok, so here goes.

A lot of people come to ask me how my lovelife is. But for every person who asks me this question, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what to answer. So I take a few moments to think about it and I answer this with a smile:

“I think its okay.

I am happy.

It’s not like I can’t be happy without a guy in my life.”

And it’s true. But only for a part of it. I admit I feel lonely sometimes. It’s like my heart misses a certain “feeling”. It hasn’t beaten the way it did a year and a half ago. The feeling of loving someone and be loved back is really a great feeling. But the thing is, that feeling didn’t really last for long. To think about it, it was really short, literally.

After everything, I have concluded that relationships are so hard to handle. Like what I told my friend Rosselle, to start a relationship you should be emotionally, mindfully (if there’s such a word), spiritually, physically, everything-ally be ready. If your answer is yes, then, you are ready for a relationship.

This may sound a little weird because you might think I’m taking relationships very seriously. But I think relationships should really be taken seriously in the first place. Because playing with a person’s heart is not the way it should be. I mean it’s ridiculous. People who play with other people’s hearts are ridiculous. They are insane. They should be placed behind bars! (haha! Am I being mean? maybe, because I am bitter!)

I was once told by my younger sister Lea, “Si Ate J parang bato yan eh.” Ok, the moment I heard that I am doing the dishes. It hit me like a bullet. I realized I am not dead. I thought to myself I wasn’t a “bato” at all. I actually felt how the word “bato” being compared to my heart is an insult. But coming from my sister, I guess having said that is not an insult at all. I guess it’s the truth because for the longest time I am so scared to give my heart to anyone. Because the first time I gave my heart away, it returned to me in little pieces. Broken pieces, actually. The problem is I don’t know how to actually put it all together again. Until I realized I’m still busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Up to this day. It’s not that I want him back. I know it’s never going to happen. And I won’t let it happen either. But the damage is too deep.

But one thing is still good after the pain. It proved that I am a stronger person. And it’s a reminder for me to become more careful in choosing the guy. Because I may not want another heartbreak in the future. Although, it’s not an assurance. There is no perfect guy and a perfect relationship. There is only a perfect couple who will never give up on each other.

So what I do now is wait and pray about it. Because now is not yet the right time. I have school to focus on at the moment and I don’t want to be unfair to the guy or to anyone.

A miracle.

Miracles do happen.

I refused to believe so in that until it came to me that people can try to change when they want to. I once believed that another person can change a bad person into someone good. But the way I understand it back then was different than how I understand it now. I realized how no one can manage to change another person the way that person wanted to. One person will change if (and only if) he is willing and would want change for himself. (Great. huh!)

It’s nice to know how I can go on living my life with the things I doubted to before turning to be all worth going through. Because, I keep my faith strong and when I’m in doubt, I still believe. Then, I can hope that I’ll be blessed… and Yes, I am blessed. I am glad that everything was for the best.  I am happy.

Mga Kalaban ko sa Lipunan... Holdapers!

MARCH. this is the month where i get to experience something New. last year, i just got my heart broken. this year, i experience a different kind of thing but it turned to be a trauma out of a very bad experience...............

guess what? haha finally, na meet ko mga kalaban ko sa lipunan. haha! HOLDAPERS! We met last March 17, 2006.. Thursday.

i was on my way home from gateway with Mahalia. we watched V for Vendetta and had merienda over at KFC. i was all  alone to ride the jeepney. it is 7:15pm when i was about to pay for my fare. there was this guy beside me who shouted "Ma, ihinto nyo!". the jeepney stopped. i was expecting the guy to go down the jeep. But he didn’t. instead, he shouted again.. “ilabas nyo celfone nyo!”. Then I felt the guy grabbing my left arm and my bag while I was holding the coins I’m going to pay for the driver. I didn’t know what to do. But I wouldn’t let the guy get my bag. Instead, I shouted “wala akong celfone!”. I knew I was being holdapped. I panicked and searched where I placed my celfone. Good thing, I felt it inside my right pocket. I immediately knew I could give my bag so the guy would get away. So I let him grab my bag. But I was shocked when I saw there were a lot of other guys searching for celfones and wallets. They were searching inside other passengers’ things. And there was another guy holding a knife and pointing it out on someone. I was so scared and I couldn’t move. I wanted to ask for help but I can’t. All I did was to stare at the driver and back to the holdapers - one of them was beside me. But I didn’t let them pass without saying “Hoy!!!” with a BIG stare at the guy holding a knife!

The holdapers went out of the jeep. I was still in shock. My bag was gone including my new wallet, purse, kikay stuff, school ID and exam pass. which I really need to get my grades this coming Friday. I wanted to cry right then and there but I knew it wasn’t proper. Instead I managed to look like nothing happened. But I couldn’t hide that I was still in shock for what just happened. I went looking for the faces of other passengers. There wasn’t a difference when I looked at their faces. Everybody was natutulala. Just like me. But they were with somebody else, unlike me, I was all by myself. So they went on asking me “miss, ano nakuha syo?”… “may pera ka pa ba pauwi?”… “pahiramin na muna kita bka hndi ka makauwi nyan.. kawawa ka naman..” I was touched by those people who I knew lost their wallets and celfones but can still manage to give me some money just to go home. Good thing, I am going to be fetched after that jeepney ride. “hindi po, ok lng po. May susundo naman po sa akin pauwi” I told them.

When I finally reached my destination, I went down the jeep with nothing.. both hands on my side. but just my celfone inside my pocket. which I can’t get out. I don’t know. For some reason nawalan ako ng gana. I felt relieved because I still have my fone. And I saved it. I was walking like a poor girl. Still scared. Nanginginig. Very Shocked. As what others put it, “naglalakad sa kawalan”. and that's what happened to me.

I arrived home teary-eyed. And told my parents and siblings about what happened. That’s when I really cried and let everything out.

Tomorrow, it is exactly one week after the holdap. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am not sure if can still ride the jeep alone. I am still scared. But not like before. I hate those holdapers who ruined my peaceful life. They stole my things. Now, they gave me trauma. Tomorrow, its gonna be Hassle. It’s time to get my grades.. where’s my ID and exam pass???

im a mess

because....

• i forgot to greet my friend Sheree on her bday today.
• exams really sucks. i hate to study.
• i messed with a friend.
• accounting is turning to be a sin.
• laptop is down at the moment.
• i can't find ms.Hermi.. and i can't get my exam pass signed.
• papers to be submitted on Monday.

omigosh.... what's with me????

ROLE MODEL:

1. Manny Pacquiao. when it comes to love of country

one man i admire so much. no one can compare of how amazing he is. i mean he fought for our country. he lifted up the glory of our country when we all think there is no hope for it. every Filipino took the time to stop and watch Pacman's match with Erik Morales. and because of his victory, every Filipino can be proud of being a Filipino.

who would think seeing him can make Morales fall? i mean Morales is much stronger than Pacquiao. physically. because Morales is bigger. taller. heavier. but he defeated Morales. and he was rushed to the hospital after the fight. hehe! oh well, he's really amazing!

what i admire most about him is he stays humble. i mean he has the right to be proud and tell everybody how great he really is. but he never did. because he thinks he won not because of himself, instead he won for the people and for God.

he's also an epitome of a real Filipino. funny and masayahin. has passion for music (even when he/she knows he doesn't have the talent. hehe). God-fearing. loving. never gives up easily.